Pride over pity
by Suicidal.Ballet
Summary: "MAKE THEM STOP, PLEASE DADDY HELP. HELP ME, I'M SCARED, HELP ME, HE'S IN MY MIND, MAKE IT STOP, SOMEONE HELP, PLEASE, STOP, I'M SCARED, I'M SCARED, HELP ME, I'M SCARED PLEASE DADDY PLEASE." A story about Lily and how she is forced to grow up after something tragic happens. Warning: Has rape and drug use. I know I spelled *Lily* *Lilly* sorry for the error.


Pride over pity

I run as fast as a I can.

I hear heavy foot steps coming closer but I run, not even noticing the cuts from the branches, the stinging pain.

I trip over a tree branch and I start to cry, because I know, I know the man chasing me is going to rape me, he's going to take my innocence.

And it happens, I cry and scream at him to stop, I beg him to just kill me but he doesn't, he laughs and when he's done he spits in my face.

I don't remember anything after that.

I wake up in the woods, my body feels like it torn in half, dry tears streak my face. I hear my name, people are looking for me.

I look down at my body, my thighs are black and purple and there's blood, there's blood everywhere.

I throw up.

My father finds me, he starts to scream and punch the trees around him.

"I'M TO LATE." He screams, it attracts the others. My mother finds me next, she drops down to her knees and cries while rocking my body. I don't want to be touched, I want to scream 'DON'T TOUCH ME, HELP ME, SOMEONE HELP ME.' but I can't find my voice. She grabs my fathers jacket and puts it around me, it's huge on my tiny frame, it reminds me of when I was little and it makes me cry.

My father is still screaming and tears are leaking out of his eyes. He failed me, he thinks he failed me.

I'm brought back to the house, my father carried me from the woods back to the house, it felt like a thousand miles but it was really only 12.

When we get back to the house my father wouldn't let me go, I wanted to scream 'LET GO OF ME, I'M SCARED, WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE? I'M SCARED HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME, I'M SCARED, PLEASE.' but I don't, I let him hold me, I can feel his tears on my shoulder.

Ron and Hermione are here along with their children, Rose and Hugo... It seemed like everyone was here.

My brothers are looking at me like i'm broken, I don't blame them, I feel broken.

I look around the room and I cannot find the one person I want to see.

I finally break and scream from my father's arms, "WHERE'S TEDDY?" I scream and scream over and over again while my father rocks me in his arms.

Everyone jumps up at the same time, while my father whispers in my ear that they're going to get him here.

Uncle Ron takes me from my fathers arms and carries me up to the bathroom, aunt Hermione is already there.

He gently puts me in the bathtub before ruffing my hair and smiling at me, I can see the sadness that is shining in his eyes.

Hermione is there next, asking me softly if she can have the jacket so she can help me. I let her take the jacket, but I close my eyes so I don't have to stare at my body. I want Teddy, everything hurts and he could always make things better.

I wonder why mom isn't here helping me, but then it hits me, why would my mom want to help me? Why would she want to see her only daughter broken and bruised.

Hermione washes my hair while humming a song, I ask her what it's called and she told me it's a Muggle song called Last Place by someone Jonathan Jones. I ask her to sing it for me and I cry quietly, she doesn't say anything, she doesn't ask if i'm okay, because she knows i'm not.

After she washes my hair she starts to wash my body, I can feel her shake when she gets down to my legs and thighs, I can tell she's holding back tears but I cannot help her, I can't even help myself.

When she's done and i'm clean she helps me get out of the bathtub before pulling out her wand and healing my thighs. She bites her bottom lip before casting another spell on me, I don't ask her what it is because I already know, it's a spell it make sure I didn't get pregnant and to make sure I don't catch an STD.

She helps dress me and lets me lean on her until we're in my bedroom where she puts me to bed and gives me a teddy bear I got from Teddy when I was six. A fresh batch of tears fall from my eyes while I hold it tightly against my chest. Before she leaves the room I ask her if she could have the song play until I fall asleep, she nods her head up and down and does a spell to make the music fall from the ceiling of my room.

I don't fall asleep until four in the morning when my mother comes in the room and lays down with me in her arms until I pass out. It reminds me of when I was younger and she would let me fall asleep on her lap while she played with my hair.

When I wake up i'm alone and the music is still playing, there is tear marks on my pillows and my eyes feel red and it hurts to blink. I rub the sleep out of my eyes before slowly getting up.

It doesn't hurt as much to walk around anymore, but it still hurts because two nights ago I was raped, a man took away everything I once knew, he took away the life I once knew and he replaced it with something scary, something dark and I don't know how to fix it, he took everything away and replaced it with something gross and disgusting.

I walk over to the mirror and see myself for the first time since the night happened. I can still hear his words in my mind as I look at myself, I can hear him call me a dirty whore while he bit my neck, I can hear his voice as he tells me that I wanted this to stop crying like the dumb bitch I am.

His voice rings clear in my head and I want it to stop, I want everything to stop and I don't know how to make it stop.

I punch the mirror so I don't have to see myself. I cry as the glass cuts into my hands but I don't care, it feels good, it's making me forget everything that happened.

I scream while I tear everything in my room apart. Finally i'm done, i'm sitting in the middle of my room, glass is everywhere, the windows is broken, the walls have holes in them, everything is broken... Just like me.

My dad finds me, in the middle of the room of mass destruction, everything screams chaos.

He doesn't say anything he just picks me up while I hug the teddy bear close to my chest covering it with blood and glass. He walks me down and takes me into the living room and sits me down gently next to James, my older brother. He says something to him but I don't listen, thoughts are racing in my mind and nothing is making them stop.

"MAKE THEM STOP, PLEASE DADDY HELP. HELP ME, I'M SCARED, HELP ME, HE'S IN MY MIND, MAKE IT STOP, SOMEONE HELP, PLEASE, STOP, I'M SCARED, I'M SCARED, HELP ME, I'M SCARED PLEASE DADDY PLEASE." I don't even know i'm screaming until my dad is looking me in the eyes with tears running down his face, he has his wand and cast a spell on me to make me sleep.

The last thing I hear is "I'm sorry princess, I should have protected you." his voice thick with regret and pain.

When I wake up again it's midnight and i'm alone on the couch, my heart starts to race because it's dark, I don't want it to be dark, it scares me, I hear a sound and it's him, I know it's him, he's going to kill me, I start to scream and cry rocking myself back and fort my skinny arms wrapped around my skinny legs. I hear loud foot steps come running.

"DADDY HELP ME PLEASE, HE'S GOING TO KILL ME, PLEASE HELP, I'M SCARED PLEASE." I scream over and over again until I feel someone scoop me up in the arms, I scream and try to get of his arms, he doesn't feel like someone I know, he feels like a stranger, it's him he's going to kill me, i'm scared, i'm alone.

"Shush Lilly, it's me Teddy." He says while rocking me in his arms.

I stop screaming and look at him, it's black so I can only see his eyes, but I see the dark green eyes staring back at me, I know it's Teddy and I feel safe.

I cry in his arms while he holds me, nothing is okay, nothing makes sense right now and everything is breaking or is broken.

He moves me to the couch and sits down while i'm in a ball in his lap.

My father is there, tapping his wand on his thigh and my mother is next to him, tears in her eyes.

Everything is calming down now and everyone goes back to sleep while Teddy holds me in his arms.

"And she will fall again and again." I whisper to Teddy before closing my eyes and letting sleep over take me.

When I wake up i'm still in Teddy's arms, I can feel his even breathing under me

. I can feel someones gaze on me so I look up Albus is bouncing his knee up and down while staring at Teddy and I.

"Hi." my voice is horse and it hurts to talk, but he's my brother so I bare the pain.

"Are you okay Lil?" He ask me even though it's pointless... We both know i'm not okay, but that's what brothers do, they ask when their little sisters are hurt.

I nod my head up and down even though it's a lie. And Teddy wakes up at the movement.

It's been a week a long week and Teddy hasn't left my side yet.

When I shower he sits on the toilet and when I have to use the toilet he rolls up his pants and turns on the tub.

I still have nightmares, nightmares that scare my family to death when I scream, "PLEASE STOP, PLEASE DADDY HELP ME I'M SCARED. ANYONE, MOMMY PLEASE, YOU'RE HURTING ME, PLEASE STOP, TEDDY." I know it kills my family to see the demons that haunt me in my eyes... But it hurts Teddy the most, I know he blames himself for not being there when I needed him the most, I will not tell him it's okay, I will not help him through this, I will not. He wasn't there because he was busy with Victoire, I know that sound so selfish but in my mind I wasn't think clearly and all I know the man who I looked up to since birth wasn't there to protect me, even though he promised he would.

A month passes and people start to go back to work, people start to move on and forget but I don't I still scream in my mind 'HELP PLEASE I'M SCARED, PLEASE TEDDY, PLEASE, HELP ME, SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME.'

Teddy finally ask me one night if it would okay if he leaves, he's an adult and he needs to get back to it. I want to scream for him not to leave me because my mind isn't safe it's screaming at me 'YOU'RE ALL ALONE, JUST LIKE THAT NIGHT, YOU'RE GOING FUCKING CRAZY, YOU'RE LOSING YOUR MIND, YOU'RE ALL ALONE, YOU'RE SCARED, SOMEONE HELP PLEASE, HELP ME.' but I tell him it's okay and I turn away from him.

Everyone knows it's not okay.

Another month passes and Teddy and Victoire tell everyone they're going to get married, dad leaves for work and mom kisses my cheek before leaving too.

'EVERYONE LEAVES, DON'T LEAVE ME, I'M NOT OKAY, I'M FUCKING SCARED, PLEASE.' James watches me while everyone is gone.

Thing's change and I change too.

I change my hair color once dark red to straight black, I use eyeliner and mascara around my eyes, I wear dark lipstick and wear skirts that are to short and shirts that are to small matched with hills to high.

I can hear my father voice float through my room. He's telling mom I need to stop, that this needs to stop. I'm asking for something bad to happen to me... For once I agree with him.

I sneek out of my room one night, dressed in to little shorts and a to little tank top and a pair of Tom shoes 'Muggle outfit for the Muggle party' I think to myself.

I get there, I drink, I smoke and I do the muggle drug called weed. It makes my head spin and I feel wonderful for the first time my mine isn't screaming that i'm scared and that i'm alone, for the first time my mind is freed from thoughts.

I get home at 5 in the morning, go down to get coffee because I haven't ate in months and it's really the only thing keeping me going by this point.

"Lilly." I hear my father's voice and it makes me pop my head up and when I do i'm struck by how old he actually looks. He has gray running through his once jet black hair that I copied and he ha clock shadow on his face.

"Daddy." I try to bait him, I know he knows I was gone, he wouldn't be here if he didn't. I didn't know he checked my room, he never did before... Maybe it was habit he got after I was raped.

Calmly he reminds me that i'm 15 years old and that I don't have the right to leave the house anytime I feel like it. I roll my eyes but don't respond, I get the coffee and go to my room.

I don't know why he bothers to even tell me these things, he knows i'm not going to listen.

I pick up smoking as a habit, I smoke the Muggle cigarettes called Newports, they're bitter and strong, just like me I muse to myself.

It's been half a year since it happened and i've changed. I fuck guys, I smoke weed, I wear clothes that aren't meant for me and wear make up that's to dark, and I get my bellybutton pierced.

My mother tells me she doesn't know who I am anymore and I laugh because I don't know myself either.

A year passes and Teddy and Vic get married.

I wear the dress that's to tight for my tiny body and killer hills to match. My hair is loose and free on my shoulders and back, eyes rimmed black with eyeliner.

Teddy looks at me like he doesn't even know who I am anymore, but that's okay because he left, he left and got married while I was stuck with the same words on repeat in my head.

'YOU'RE A FAILURE, YOU'RE WEAK, YOU'RE STUPID, YOU'RE ALONE, NO ONE CARES, YOU'RE SO SCARED, TEDDY HELP ME PLEASE I'M SCARED, TEDDY PLEASE, I'M DROWNING.'

But I never tell anyone, I just smirk and hold up a glass to him in mock cheers to the happy couple.

I'm now seventeen, and I passed my O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.S while I was home-schooled.

I'm an adult now and my father wants to know what I plan to do with the rest of my life. I smile and tell him I don't know.

I get a tattoo done, Muggle, but a tattoo non the less.

I got the first thing I told Teddy after I was attacked, on my shoulder blade set the words from the attack that changed my life forever. In black on my white skin sat the words 'And she will fall again and again.'

I like the pain of getting a tattoo, it reminds me i'm alive when so many things fail to do that.

I get another tattoo that reminds me of Teddy, it makes me laugh when I think about it, a Muggle song reminds me of the most magically man I know. On my hip sits the words 'Can I, can I, save you from you?'

I find nothing else I want to get tattooed on me other than a Lilly flower on my inside of my wrist.

Another year comes and goes.

Teddy and Victoire are expecting their first child in August. Everyone laughs and tells him good going while the girls run around Vic and talk happily about the baby.

Teddy looks at me and comes near me, I take a step back him before raising my glass of wine at him in mock happiness. He's eyes train on my wrist and he see's the Lilly that sits on my white to skinny arm. I smirk at him before walking out of the house.

I want go to home, I don't want to be here anymore, everything I knew changed that night and I cannot have it back so I want to run, I want to so badly I can taste it.

Teddy follows me out and tells me I'm still his bestfriend even if I don't act it, I laugh in his face before turning around and walk back into the house.

The next day I tell my father what I want to do, he seems scared at first but gives me the money to do it.

My family sends me letters asking me how I was doing and how travelling the world was going and how they all missed me very much and hope I came home soon. They told me about James who was set to get married to a brunette short girl who's name is Tabitha and she has a smile you can just fall in love with. How Albus was dating a girl who long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Her name is Kayla and how they look lovely together.

They told me Teddy and Vic had their daughter Morgan Lilly Lupin who was born on August 18th with a red full of forever changing hair color and bright green eyes. They send me pictures of her, but one picture stands out the most, it's a picture of Teddy and Morgan she's gurgling something up at him and he's smiling at the person who's taking the picture, it makes me laugh and cry at the same time because if anyone actually knew Teddy they would see how unhappy he actually looked.

I write them back each time, I tell them how I will be coming home soon and that i'm almost ready to come home, promising them gifts and stories to tell them once I come home. I told them to tell Victoire congratulations on Morgan and that she was very beautiful... But I never said anything about Teddy, I won't let my family know he left me when I needed him the most, but I will not talk about him.

I finally find the one place I actually ever wanted to go, Italy.

I meet a lovely Muggle man name Anthony, he's 24 and has dull brown hair and dull brown eyes, he's perfect because he's nothing like Teddy, but I don't want to think about him right now.

He helps heal me, and finally I don't feel broken anymore.

We're were laying down in bed one night and he kisses the top part of my shoulder before asking me what my tattoo meant. I bite my bottom lip before telling him that I was attacked when I was 15 and that's what I felt like when I was attacked. He kisses the spot where the ink sits in my skin.

He doesn't judge me, he doesn't bring it up again and he's happy with just being with me.

I spend another couple of months there but I know it was time to go home. I try to break up with Anthony but he told me since I was a Witch there wasn't a reason for us to break up and that I could come and see him anytime I felt like it. I agree but I know it's not going to last and judging by the look in his eye he doesn't think it's going to last either but we can both pretend for the time that everything is okay.

I come home when i'm 21.

I walk to the house, taking in everything i've missed since while I was gone for three years.

My mother hugs and cries when she sees me, she tells me that i've grown up beautifully and that she's glad I changed my hair color back to red.

My father comes home and hugs me so tightly I think i'm going to die before I get to meet Tabitha and Kayla.

James and Albus come by the other later that night and bring the girls. I love them, they're perfect for my brothers. It turns out they're actually sisters and it makes me laugh to think they're with my brothers.

My mother wants to throw a huge party for me now that i'm home and I tell her I think it's a wonderful idea. She beams at me while getting everything together.

I didn't know how much i've missed her since i've been gone.

I give everyone gifts and I ask my mom if she could give Morgan the last gift I have hiding in my bag.

It's a gold locket I got in Australia and on the inside of it it's a picture of Teddy and Morgan and on the other side it says "My little love." My mom cries when she reads it and ask me if i'm sure I don't want to give it to her myself, I shake my head no and tell her that i'm going to go to my room and unpack.

Later that night my father ask me to go for a walk. We walk around the house staying clear of the woods and we end up by the pond that I fell in love with when I was four and scared everyone half to death when I fell in it.

We talk about everything and he ask me if it was everything I wanted, I told him it really was. He smiled and told me he loved me before getting up and going inside.

It's still light outside but it's getting dark.

Once when I was with Anthony he told me that I should face my greatest fear. I think he was right.

I walk into the woods, I can feel my heart beat painfully against my chest as I walk more into it.

Once i'm in the middle of the woods I sink onto the ground. Here is where it happened. I see the old tank top and pants I wore when it happened. My tank top is ripped and the pants have blood on them.

I cry as I remember that night. I hear a twig snap and my heart stops beating and I hold my breath. I get up slowly and turn around.

My heart starts to beat painfully fast at the sight of Teddy. His hair is bright green right now and so is his eyes. He's staring at my tear streaked face while leaning against a tree.

"Hi." I tell him while I hold the tank top against my stomach. He doesn't say anything just leans against the tree.

I close my eyes and inhale as I turn around and look at the woods that all around us.

I can hear his foot steps as they come closer to me, once a pond time ago I would have thought of my attacker but now I no longer identify him with that man.

He wraps his arms around me tells me he's happy i'm home.

We walk out of the woods together and we go to the house. When get to the kitchen my mother is cooking but stops when she sees my face and the clothes i'm holding in my arms.

She has tears in her eyes and her mouth is set in a grim line. She throws the clothes out of my arms and takes her wand out of her pocket before lighting the clothes on fire before sending them away.

"You're not that girl anymore Lilly Potter." is all she says before turning back to the stove and starts cooking again.

I agree with her in my head before walking up to my room. Teddy follows, he always did.

I ask about Morgan and he tells me everything about her and he tells me something that shocked me.

"You're Morgan's god mom." I dropped the brush I was trying to find a place for turning around and looking at him like he grew three heads. He's hair goes bright orange, giving away that he's nervous. I smile at him before giving him a huge hug.

He goes home and Albus comes into my room dropping me a huge hug before leaving with Kayla.

The next night everyone comes home and Hugo shows off his new girlfriend Danielle. She's a Muggle but very funny.

Teddy and Vic comes in with Morgan, she's three now, trying to walk around and her hair changing to red when she see's me. She smiles and tries to run to me but ends up falling and crying while her hair changes 100 times before setting on a bright pink to show that she's in pain. Teddy picks her up and whispers in her ear before her hair turns back to red.

Teddy walks her over to me and she reaches out her little chubby arms at me. She wants me to pick her up and I don't understand why, this is the first time she's ever met me. Teddy see's the confusion on my face before telling me that they always told her who I was and she was named after.

I pick up Morgan and put her on my hip with kissing her forehead. She changes her eye color to match the green in my eyes, her eyes usually a couple of shades darker pick up on my eye color and she pouts when I go to hand her back to Teddy. Fat tears swell up in her eyes and she starts to cry. Teddy's hair goes blue when he sees this, he's embarrassed that she's acting this way.

I laugh and tell him it's fine. I walk around with her on my hip greeting people who I haven't see in three years for some longer. Hugs and smiles are shared while they cry that i've grown up so beautifully.

I finally break free from the crowd I walk up to Victoire and ask her if she minded if I take Morgan outside, I lean closer to her and tell her that I have a gift for her. She smiles brightly at me tells me it's fine, before I leave she gives me a hug and a kiss telling me she's glad i'm home, for once I agree with that statement.

I go to the hammock that my father set up a thee years ago right before Morgan was born and I lay down and sit her on my stomach she smiles at me showing her teeth.

"I have a gift for you little one." I tell her and she smiles huge at me like I used to do when I was young and my dad said he had a gift for me.

I show her the locket and show her the picture of her and Teddy. She smiles and screams dada very loudly. I laugh before putting it around her neck.

Someone snaps a picture of us and I turn and see a smiling Teddy with a camera wrapped around his neck.

He tells me that I didn't have to do that because she's three, she's going to lose it before next week, I told him she can't lose it unless he takes it off, I also told him there's a tracking spell on there in case anything ever happens.

A month passes and I start to throw up, mom makes me take a pregnancy test and it turns out I was indeed having a baby.

She tells me not to worry and that i'm going to be an amazing mother. I write Anthony and tell him, he writes back and tells me he wants to be apart of the babies life and she could either go there or he could come here. We pick the latter.

6 months later Ryan Teddy DeMarko was born. He weighed 5 pounds even and only 16 inch's long, he was born a month early but turned out to be a fighter.

Morgan became very happy as she became the niece of her father's god son.

Everything was going great until there was an accident at the hospital she worked at and one of the mental patients got lose and got a hold of a wand and Victoire passed away after he hit her with a unforgivable spell.

Teddy with drew himself and he couldn't watch after Morgan at that moment in time... So I stepped in and took care of my god daughter who just turned five and won't stop asking about her mom.

I tell her about life and death and how her mom is always going to be watching over her from heaven. She cried in my arms that night.

Anthony left a month later, telling me this isn't what he signed up for, but I didn't care because if he could leave his son behind then he's not worth her time.

He never tried to get in contact with me or his son. Two months later Teddy starts to come around again and Morgan doesn't ask about her mom.

Everything we knew changed, but we were going to be okay because that's what we always were in the end, okay.

A year later Morgan turned six and Ryan turned one. Teddy asked me to marry him and I dropped the bottle I was making for Ryan.

I told him yes and he kissed me over and over again.

We ask Morgan if it was okay, she told us yes and smiled at us, but I could see in the unhappiness that shined behind her bright at the time blue eyes.

I break away from Teddy that night while he's feeding Ryan and I go lay down with Morgan. "You're not going to replace mommy are you?" she ask nervously. I smile when I see her hair turn a light purple, so different from her father.

"No baby, I'm never going to replace your mom, she was an amazing woman who loved you very much and it's okay if you're sad right now, and it's okay if you don't want me to marry your dad." I tell her gently while playing with her hair. "No... But can I call you mommy?" It makes me freeze up, I don't know how to respond to this. "Call me whatever you want to call me sweet cheeks." I tell her before dropping a kiss on her cheek and laying with her while she falls asleep.

The wedding was huge, and everyone wore happy faces, even Victoire's parents come and watch this, smiles graced their lips but you could see the under lining of the pain they feel when they know that they lost their daughter.

We bought a small house with 5 bedrooms and a huge backyard. He adopted Ryan and I adopted Morgan.

A year later we had twins Lavinia and Miranda Lupin.

As the children grew up they didn't question why their brother looked different from them or why I would always throw away letters in the fire by a guy name Anthony.

Everything was peaceful and calm. When Morgan would have guy issues I would deal with it and let her cry it out on my shoulder while I rubbed her back. And when Ryan had guy issues Teddy would always drag him outside and make him sit by the pond until he spilled whatever it was bothering him.

After Miranda and Lavinia went to off to Hogwarts we sat outside and counted the stars while nursing cups of tea.

"Do you think they're okay?" My question held such high emotions, my last babies were officially old enough to attend Hogwarts. Teddy smiled at me before taking our cups of tear and putting them in the grass before pulling us onto the hammock dad gave to us when we first moved here because he remembered catching me sleeping there while I was too pregnant to move.

"They're fine, don't worry my love." he whispers in my ear before kissing the side of my neck.

Once a pond a time ago I thought the voices inside of my head that once screamed'I'M ALONE, I'M SCARED, SCARED, HELP ME TEDDY PLEASE, HELP ME PLEASE, I'M SO ALONE.' were never going to fade away and the demons were going to stay gripping my heart faded away and I finally fully healed because of Teddy, it was always Teddy no matter what.

"I love you Lilly Lupin."

"I love you too Teddy Lupin." I tell him smiling up at him before he drops a kiss on my lips.

And I mean those words, I truly do.


End file.
